Saturday, July 28, 2007

Elimination diet and the junk-food junkie

It's clear to me that Perp needs to go on a strict elimination diet. Her skin worsens by the day and aside from strawberries and tomatoes, there is no clear trigger. I made the mistake of going back to a scented laundry soap and that is probably a part of the problem, but it's not the only one. I know that Dude's skin improved immeasurably when I took him off wheat (plus he gained a pound in a month!), so I know it's probably going to be worth the effort. But. Ew.

So.

I have a list of foods that she *should* be able to eat safely, but ensuring that she doesn't have anything else is going to be difficult. I'll have to send food to school for a few weeks, and insist that she eat NOTHING else there or at the ILs' place. This may prove to be harder than it looks. I think there are a few things on here I'm going to let her have yet, but if things don't get better within two weeks, I'll cut them out too. Oh, this is going to suck.

The biggest problem, I think, is going to be convincing people that this is necessary and useful. People don't always accept that simple foods, which are supposed to be good for you, after all, could cause her skin to be so bad. But it's true, they could. We know that tomatoes and strawberries make her flare hideously, so why can't other foods? I hope I can make that point without resorting to the "she's my child and I'll decide what's good for her" argument. I'm afraid if I have to make it, that will mean she cannot be in places where people don't respect my decision. Ugh.

On the plus side, I did this with Dude for a couple of months and lost like 15 lb, so it could be great for me to get back on the ED train. Extra oils for the kids, though.

So if you are considering doing an elimination diet, or if you've never heard of it and want to see the weeks of hell before us, here it is, copied and edited from this guy:

Allowed foods
Meat and seafood
:
Fresh or fresh frozen lamb

Any type of wild game is acceptable. Deep-water ocean fish such as orange roughy, halibut, tuna, and wild salmon are allowed. All salmon from Alaska is wild.

Turkey is allowable if it is fresh, has not been injected or pre-basted with “butterball” chemicals, is not ground, pressed, or otherwise processed, and has no additives.

Vegetables: sweet potatoes (except that Dude can't have them *sigh*), yams, cabbage, carrots, squash (many varieties), asparagus, cauliflower, avocados, celery, garlic, okra, radishes, greens (beet, mustard, spinach, collards, etc.), cucumbers, eggplant, Brussels sprouts, kale, avocado, broccoli, parsnips, green peppers (not hot pepper or peppery spices), rutabaga, leek, and turnips.

Because wheat, corn, rice, rye, oats, barley, buckwheat, millet, and other grains are common causes of allergy, and because all grains belong to related food families, avoid grains while on this diet. This means you must avoid all breads and other foods made with any kind of flour. Although buckwheat, amaranth, milo and quinoa do not belong to the grain family, many grain sensitive people react to those grain substitutes and they should also be avoided. There is no way to make a sandwich, so get used to it.

Fruit: fresh or fresh frozen fruits (not fruits dried in sugar or packed in sugar or syrup), including bananas, grapes, peaches, pears, pineapple, kiwi, papaya, mangos, melons (watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, Crenshaw), cherries, apricots, pomegranates, mangos, coconuts, plums, persimmons, blackberries, blueberries, cranberries, raspberries, or loganberries. Eat only small servings of fruit, as fruits contain lots of natural sugar. Fruit canned in its own juice without sugar or additives are allowed. Avoid fruit juice except in small amounts.

You can eat nuts, including filberts (hazel nuts), almonds, or pecans. Use fresh cracked or nuts still in the shell, not roasted, or otherwise treated. (Peanuts are not nuts despite their name. They are actually legumes. Avoid peanuts.)

You may use safflower oil, sunflower oil, flaxseed oil, sesame oil and extra virgin olive oil. Use only cold pressed oils with no additives, purchased from a natural food source.

For condiments, you may use honey in very small amounts as a sweetener. Stevia is highly recommended as a natural sweetener. (Avoid NutraSweet®, Equal®, aspartame and saccharine, which are artificial chemical sweeteners.) Sea salt is allowed. The allowed oils can be used for cooking and on salads. Chopped nuts (of allowed types), ginger, garlic, cilantro, almond butter, and sesame butter are allowed. Many of the nut butters are processed in the same equipment that makes peanut butter, so read the label for warnings about small amounts of potential allergens.

Foods You Must Strictly Avoid

Strictly avoid: milk, cheese, yogurt, egg, all grains (including corn, wheat, rye, oats, barley, rice), sugar, oranges, grapefruit, legumes, beans, peas, peanuts, beef, chicken, pork, apple, white potato, food colorings, chemical additives, emulsifiers, yeast, preservatives, chocolate, cola, processed and packaged foods, coffee, tea, and alcoholic beverages.

Milk and milk-containing foods: Avoid milk and dairy products entirely, including cheese, butter, ice cream, margarine, yogurt, cream soups, breads, crackers, cookies, cakes, candies, luncheon meats, and other manufactured or processed foods. Casein and lactalbumin are other names for milk protein. Read all labels carefully.

Egg-containing foods: Avoid eggs or any foods containing egg, including custards, cakes, cookies, ice cream, pies, macaroni, salad dressings, noodles, pancake mixes, and all other manufactured or processed foods.

Grain-containing foods: Avoid wheat, corn, rye, barley, rice, and all grains and foods containing grains. This includes all commercial breads, cookies, crackers, cereals, batters, luncheon meats, pancake mixes, candies and a wide variety of other packaged and processed foods.

Citrus: Avoid orange, grapefruit, and foods containing those citrus fruits.

Sugar-containing foods: Avoid cane sugar, beet sugar, corn sugar, fructose, glucose, and brown sugar—including candies, cakes, sugar-coated cereals, ice cream, carbonated beverages, and the wide spectrum of processed and packaged foods which contain sugar. Sugar is hidden in dozens of foods including catsup, pickles, relishe, and salad dressings. Avoid artificially sweetened food or drinks that contain NutraSweet®, Equal® or aspartame. A very small amount of honey is allowed, but sweets are very addicting and it is best to go through a total withdrawal. Stevia is best tolerated as a sweetener.

Legumes: Avoid peanuts, beans and peas of all kinds, including string beans, lima beans, soy beans, baked beans, green peas, field peas, black-eyed peas, and vegetable gums. Soy bean protein ("textured protein") is hidden in a variety of manufactured foods. Read labels carefully.

Chocolate & cola-containing foods: Avoid chocolate and cola drinks of all kinds, including diet cola. Avoid all sweets, candies and foods to which chocolate has been added.

Meats: Avoid all forms of beef, pork and chicken, including luncheon meats, hot dogs, bacon, sausage and hamburger. Avoid all cold cuts. Avoid tenderized, spiced, processed or otherwise treated meat products of any kind. Most shrimp now sold in the USA is farmed in Asia and raised on human waste, antibiotics, etc.)

Fruits & Vegetables: Avoid white potatoes (even if the outside skin is red), French fried potatoes, potato chips and any food containing potato. Avoid tomato, corn, and rice. Avoid fresh, frozen or dried apples, oranges, and foods containing apple or citrus flavoring (which is often an artificial chemical). Avoid any other fruit or vegetable that was regularly eaten more often than once each week in the past.

Yeast-containing foods: Avoid breads, wine, vinegar, mushrooms, and dried fruits. Use only vitamins that are formulated to be yeast-free and hypoallergenic, without chemical additives or preservatives.

Coffee, tea & alcohol: Avoid all coffee and tea products (including instant and caffeine free). Also avoid herbal teas and all alcoholic beverages. Drink pure water, it’s good for you. Carbonated water, unsweetened but with all natural fruit flavor is acceptable.

Condiments: Avoid black, Cayenne. and any kind of hot pepper. Avoid onion, NutraSweet®, Equal® and aspartame, which are artificial chemical sweeteners. Beware of many spices that are mixtures of both labeled and unlabeled ingredients. Stevia as a sweetener is allowed, if a pure extract.

Monday, July 23, 2007

I heart Jemain and Bret

Don't you?


Think About It

There’s children on the street using guns and knives
Taking drugs and each other’s lives
Killing each other with knives and forks
Calling each other names like ‘dork’
There’s people on the street getting diseases from monkeys
Yeah, that’s what I said - they’re getting diseases from monkeys
Now there’s junkies with monkey disease
Who’s touching these monkeys, please
Leave these poor sick monkeys alone
They’ve got problems enough as it is.
Man’s lying on the street
Some punk’s chopped off his head
I’m the only one who stops
To see if he’s dead
Mmm…
Turns out he’s dead.
And that’s why I’m singing
What…what is wrong with the world today?
What is wrong with the world today?
(Jemaine mumbles)
What…what is wrong with the world today?
You gotta think about it
Think think about it.
Good cops been framed and put into a can.
All the money that we’re making is going to the man.
What man?
Which man?
Who’s the man?
When’s a man a man?
What makes a man a man?
Am I a man?
Yes. Technically I am.
They’re turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers.
But hat’s the real cost?
‘Cause the sneakers don’t seem that much cheaper.
Why are we still paying so much for sneakers
When you got them made by little slave kids
What are your overheads?
Well, at the end of your life, you’re lucky if die,
Sometimes I wonder why we even try.
I saw a man lying on the street half dead
With knives and forks sticking out of his leg.
And he said,
“Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Can somebody get that knife and fork out of my leg, please?
Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?”
And then we break it down.
This is where we break it down
Ooh
This is where we break it down
Aah
This is where we do the whoa-o-o-o
Break it down
This is where we build it up now
We build it up now
We build it up now
We build it up now
We build it up now
Build it up
And then we stop

Flight of The Conchords

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I am farmwife, hear me roar

Yesterday evening I took a chicken from cluck to pluck all by myself (okay, further than that, I also gutted it but that doesn't rhyme as well as pluck so if you don't like it, find me a better word). If you ever find yourself complaining about the price of free-range or pastured poultry, knock it off. It's a dirty, smelly job, and when you don't do it on a daily basis, it also takes a long time. So when you next enjoy a tasty wing or drumstick, say a silent thanks to the wage worker who killed and cleaned that bird. It's not a job most people would want to do regularly.

But damn, don't they taste good.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Back to the earth















































Monday, June 18, 2007

1-1/2-year sentence

"Bye, Dada!"

Friday, June 15, 2007

Quack

is what I imagine the ducks said when they saw the fox/opossum/racoon/whatever coming at them last night. It translates to "Why the hell did that madwoman force us to sleep outside the safety of the coop and bed down with these disgusting goats?"

It's because they constantly spilled all the water out of the fonts which led to constantly wet bedding, which led to respiratory disease, which led to Coccidiosis, which led to five (six? more?) dead broilers, two more sick ones, and a sick layer. So far.

So. I put them out thinking that they'd be safe and the chickens would get better and here I am with no more ducks. Fuck fuck fuckityfuckfuck.

So. No more ducks. None more.

And where the fuck is the trapper, already?

Monday, June 11, 2007

Bitch-B-Gone

I complain. A lot. A whole lot. I know this. And I really do want to stop, because I hear myself and think, ""Who the hell wants to be around you, skeedge?" So when I heard about this, I thought to myself, "Self? Don't you think this would be a good thing to try?" And the answer, apparently, was yes. So I have my bracelet on even as we speak.

I expect it will take me a month of Sundays to get to 21 days. And that's okay. At least I'm giving it a shot, kwim? But the big question arises: what, exactly, is complaining? Is telling Perp (for the 52,495th time) to take off her shoes before she comes in the house, is that complaining? Of course me ranting about the goddamned dog burying her freaking toy at the base of my passionflower and killing it just as it was about to go into extravagant bloom is complaining, but I don't know many people who would hold it against me. But it still counts so I'm glad it happened yesterday.

So. Watch this space for complaint-free blogging!



As if.



PS, what, to you, constitutes complaining?

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Adam Scott totally stuffs

I only say this because FIL is here for dinner and he's a golf nut so we're watching the whatever-cup-or-tourney that's on today. And this Scott kid? Toooootally stuffing. I'm just saying. But maybe he's a mutant and should do porn, but he probably makes more money on these balls than he would with his own, so it's probably a wise career move.


But still. S T U F F I N G.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Unexpected visitors

I am determined to do some gardening for the fun of it this year, not just for the food of it. Even so, I was out weeding the future asparagus bed (bed for asparagus next year, not some futuristic Star Trek asparagus that bends you to its will with a gigantic butt-shaped head [seriously, they looked like butts, did they not?]). The first spring we were here I decided it was the perfect location for a permanent bed of some sort, and decided that strawberries are easy enough to come by, but asparagus, ahh... that's not so easy. Fresh asparagus kicks the stih out of anything you get at the store and even sometimes the farmers market, which I boycott anyway ('nother story for another day).

So. Hauled a ginormous tree out of the bed with the help of good old Hal (that lift gate can sustain a surprising load) and hopped in to commence the weeding. Cut out popple seedlings/young trees. Cut out whatever-the-hell-else is in there that isn't grass. Nip over to fill the wheelbarrow (bliss!) with wood chips and notice ... can it be? Am I seeing things? No! NO! Asparagus! I see a nearly-ferned out asparagus stem! OMIGOD, I SEE FIVE!

I put them in that first spring, then saw no signs of life (you know, how you put them in and cover them as they grow until the soil is all level about them?. I figured they were shot. So I didn't weed the bed for four years. Or fertilize them. Or mulch them.

But there they are, all the same. Five glorious stalks of the wily asparagus, once and again lending credence to my stance that if it can't take neglect it gots no business in my garden.

Happy dance!

Of course, it's too late in the season to eat them, and I didn't notice one of them before I hauled the tip off, so I cut that one back and I'll hope for the best. It seems to me that if it made it this far, it will pop back up in no time. Right? OF course it will. And next year I'll put in more. Or maybe it's still early enough to do it this year. Next weekend, perhaps. Mmmmm. Asparagus. Stinky pee.


Update: I cut them back just for the hell of it. Maybe they'll produce a few more stalks before I stop for the season. And maybe harvesting will stimulate them into thinking they should produce more, which would be nice since each crown currently only seems to have one measly stalk.

Cross your phalanges!*






*I know that isn't correct. I don't care.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Left Bank Cheese Pie

Make this. You will like it.

9-inch pie crust
2 c. cottage cheese (the large-curd is creamier; do not use icky
low-fat cottage cheese)
2/3 c. sour cream
2 c. mashed potatoes
2 eggs, well beaten
1.5 tsp. kosher salt
3 Tbs. chopped oniion
3 Tbs. pimiento, chopped
1.5 Tbs. butter

Blend cottage cheese and sour cream. Beat in potatoes and all other
ingredients except the butter.

Dot the top of the pie with the butter.

Bake at 350 degrees for 1 to 1.25 hours, until filling has set.

This is terrific cold or at room temperature, so it's a wonderful dish
for eating outdoors at a picnic.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Day on the edge of forever

Did you ever trot off to the bathroom to go to poo and it seems like it takes f o r e v e r for the damn thing to come out, then you look in the pot and damned if it isn't only 2-3" long? That's how my day is going.

We leave for a child-free weekend in Las Vegas early this afternoon and if you will pardon me for saying so, I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT! Yes, I will miss the babies. Yes, I will be glad to come home and see them again (though I wouldn't mind a slightly longer trip), but damn do I need this. I'm snappy, on edge, even less patient than usual, and just all-around knackered.

Perp is already having a break imposed on her, Dude freaks out the second his feet hit the floor because that means I'm not holding him (my chiropractor loves that; keeps him in business), and I honestly think that my head is going to explode. I am fairly sure I do not have the cleaning products to deal with that. Also? I seem to have either stabbed myself under a fingernail or I have a seriously painful bruise. I hit it when I type. Fun!

So. Barring free access this weekend, I'm outy. I hope to return in a better frame of mind. Cross your phalanges, eh?

Monday, May 07, 2007

Further cementing her place as "animal least likely to live until spring."

The pig? She ate one of my ducklings. It is official: I will feel no remorse when she gets offed. But I will feel sated when I eat a large portion of her ass.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Four years ago

today we were ensconsed at Caesars Palace, primping ourselves before we ran downstairs to get hitched. I was still waitng for my dress to come back from the cleaners. And waiting. Aaaand waiting. It finally arrived (uncleaned and unpressed) 15 minutes before the ceremony so we hustled downstairs and did 'er up right. And? Get this: I didn't freak out over the dress. Not even a little. I think the wedding coordinator wanted to cry. What the hell, if I bought into that "this is the most important/best/most memorable day of my life" crap, I was going to be in for a sorry sad life afterward. So I was all zen & shit and if the dress didn't come, I had a skirt.

But the dress came, and we skittered on down to the wee garden and had a lovely wedding. Then we traipsed off to dinner and watched our friends and family get loaded.

Hooray!

Happy anniversary, baby. I loves you the most.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Her name is Breakfast



Now the boys need names.














If you could see

how FREAKING CUTE Dude is when he dances, well, I don't know, I think your ovaries would explode. Unless you have a different set of gonads in which case you would probably puke instead. Puke with joy!

He is especially fond of the goats (we need names, they're boys), and I'll post pictures tonight if I can get my shit together after I round them up for the night. He hugs them like they're dogs. He also hugs dogs. Fine, our dog.

They folllow us around like dogs, so it's no wonder he thinks they're for hugging. And really, since they're bottle babies, they kind of are for hugging. Squee!

Dude and Perp are recovering from a wicked case of pinkeye. Luckily, it seems to be bacterial so it's clearing up well with drops. Drops from hell. Hell Drops from hell. I can't believe how tight they can squeeze those little lids together. I remember when I was small and had to have several eye operations and the torture of the Hell Drops. So I can sympathize. Empathize, even. But I'm still giving them the drops.

A cow just waleked past on Signing Time: "She has nahnas*," observed Perp. The child is obsessed with the bo0bies.





*I have NO idea how to spell it. NAnas. Nahnas. Nanas?

Because I'm morbid







What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?




You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away from swimming holes, and stick to good old cement. Even if it does hurt like hell when your toe scrapes the bottom.
Take this quiz!









Quizilla |

Saturday, April 28, 2007

In which my stupidity continues to astound me

So. Today. Carlton swap. For those of you who don't know what that is (all but about 5, I'm guessing), it's this farmy free-for-all at which you can buy (as I recall): goats; pigs; chickens; ducks; geese; pigeons; peafowl; guineas; cattle; horses and ponies; llamas and alpacas; puppies and kittens. Also, baked goods, seedlings, and various random crap.

I showed up with a tarp spread out in the wayback, three large cages, and $200 cash. Safer that way, really.

Did you know that you can fit 9 chickens, two goats, and a pig in the back of a minivan? You can! My poor car will never be the same. Husband reminds me: and a bale of hay!

Here's why I'm an idiot: I was so wound up by the crowds of people I had to drive through/past, a freaked out Dude in his baby containment device Catherine wheel car seat, and oodles of caffeine on an empty stomach that I forgot to ask what the babies have been eating, whether they've been vaccinated, at what age they were neutered, etc. Dog help me. So cross all available digits that I'm not going to fuck up their rumens in a fatal kind of way, eh?

The pig? Same thing. But I think they're a bit more elastic when it comes to eating so I'm not as freaked out. But I do have to figure out if she's been vaccinated yet so I don't go doubling up on anything.

Hey, if you have any experience with the pigs or the goats, drop me a line, huh?

Also, if you have some name ideas for the kids (ha! kids! It's funny because it's true), we're still looking. I kind of like Adam and Steve because I'm all subversive & shit. Husband offered Stan and Kyle which I find pretty amusing. Right now they're just the boys.

I'll post pictures when I shoot some without naked chirrun in the frame. What IS it with babies and nakey butt, anyway?

Oh, also? I think that we officially qualify as a farm, so we gots to name it. If we had the appropriate geographical, er, apparatus, I'd call it Moot Point.

As you were.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Speechless



If you're a praying type, please send one up for Abbi and her family.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

What the hell, people?

My infernal computation device is giving me fits. I shut it down last night, turned it back on this morning, and now all the fonts and icons are fucked up. Some are too large, some are too small. It looks like the screen resolution was changed, but it says it's not changed.

I've tried adjusting the fonts and sizes, resolution, and messed with the options in Firefox. No go.

Also weirdness: it said that I'd installed new hardware, but I ain't. Also weirdly, it was related to video (video controller, VAG-compatible). I did not install a video controller. I'm supposed to insert a CD to load the driver but of course I have no such animal. I'm looking for a driver but I don't know whose controller it is. ...

No viruses. No malware. No weird security issues, at least that come up on scans.

Help? Help!

Ha HA! It was a driver that went walkabout for some reason. Everything *seems* to be better. I'll know tonight if that's the case. Thanks for the moral support, D.

This about sums it up