Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Whys and Wherefores

I've noticed recently that many of the blogs I read are written by women who are dealing or have dealt with infertility. I'm not sure why, but out of the long list of writers in my blogroll, they stand out. Are these women fantastic writers who also happen to have been dealt a supremely shitty card? Is there something about this experience that brings out the writer in them? I assume it's just that they happen to write well and have had this experience and there it is. Maybe it's like forging steel: a trial by fire produces the strongest, most resiliant metal. Forgive the clumsy metaphor, as with a lot of my posts, I'm just dropping these duds where they lay and pretending they make sense.

Some of the best days are when I go to read one of the infertile blogs and I find a picture of a positive HPT; I just want to weep. Sometimes I do. To come back, too often, and read of loss, repeated loss, early, late, stillbirth, strikes at the core of me. As much as they drive me insane, as tired as I can be, as angry as I can be, I can't imagine life without my kids. They came to me so easily, I feel like I've gotten away with something. I've had two pregnancies and two kids, easy peasy. Yet women I feel I've come to know struggle so hard to even become pregnant, let alone carry to term. But I want them to know that I think about them every day, and I wish so much for them to succeed, whether it's with a healthy term pregnancy and easy delivery, adoption, or deciding that enough is enough.

I'm not sure how to talk to the few friends I have who are going through treatments. I've read Tertia's post but of course every person is different and what applies to her may be the absolute wrong thing to say to someone else. I know myself well enough, though, to know that chances are just about 100% that I'd say the wrong thing. My instinct is always to try to defuse a tense situation with humor, and I suspect that my feeble attempts would only make everything worse and paint me as a complete asshole. I have to admit that I've been tempted to say exactly what Tertia says not to do: "Hey, you can have my kids."

It's a hard thing to be supportive to someone who is going through something that you cannot fathom. I hope that when I stumble while trying in my clumsy way to be encouraging, I don't do more harm than good.

So I don't generally comment on these blogs. But if you happen to read this, please know I'm out here, rooting for you and sharing your joys and sorrows in the best way I can. And I'm spreading the word.

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